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The Long Sleep

July 11, 2012

I read some scripture and it’s been sinking like a rock in my gut. It was : “Fools care nothing for thoughtful discourse; all they do is run off at the mouth.” Prov 18:2. It kinda shut me up. You see, I don’t want to be a fool. (I am a good amount of the time anyway.) And if I want to be a damn fool, I want to do it alone. I don’t want to be talking to anyone so that they know, and I sure as heck don’t want to be typing it. I can tell you right now that if I am not in a good place with God, I’m a fool. I am short tempered, sorry, and emotional. A basket case, basically.

I believe there are two types of people in this world, those who are able to fake it, and those who simply can’t. Often times I see those bright shiny orbs of people with their sweet happy pictures and their oh-so-productive lives, when I know very well that there is a big glaring void, and rather than feel sad for them because of the void, I am so jealous that they are so wonderfully adept at hiding it. I’m not saying YOU need God, I am saying I need God. Desperately. Like water in the morning after a night of gin and tonics. Quite honestly, I’m dry in the mouth right now and life is sticking in my throat.

There’s this one Joyce Meyer sermon, where she has a lamp on stage with her, and she says something akin to, “Stop saying there is something wrong with you, this lamp won’t turn on, because it’s not plugged in, see though, if you plug it in, it works really good.” I don’t know about the rest of the sentence, but the “It works really good” is the exact wording, I remember that because I found it so charming. So, to put it in Joyce terms, I am not working really good.  I am in fact working kinda terrible. The hopeful part is that all I need to do is plug in.

But how do you plug in when you’re not right?

For me, and for most people,  I know the root of the problem is un-renounced sin. Knowing you are walking in sin and not doing anything about it is the quickest way to unplug. I’m not going to get into the political darlings of abortion and gay marriage, or whatever. If you are a believer and you have a personal relationship with Christ, you have the Holy Spirit living inside of you and what I think, what Obama thinks and what Rush Limbaugh thinks are all moot. You KNOW what God is convicting you of on the inside.

Joyce Meyer likes to talk about a time when she blew smoke in everyone’s face while she was preaching the gospel in shorts, but she was anointed to do what she was doing, and the dumb things she did, didn’t change that. I remember smoking in my convertible, listening to sexually explicit music (The Donnas- ha!) on my way to teach Sunday school, but I know God anointed me for that job too. He did convict me, I did change eventually, but if God just pointed the gargantuan list of things that I  do that are not glorifying to Him the minute I became a believer, I seriously doubt I would’ve had much interest in changing. Not because I don’t want to change, but because it seems hopeless. There is simply so much wrong with me! Thank God, he works slowly as we bend to his will and changes us from the inside out.

I am happy to say I am nearly unrecognizable from the girl I once was. It’s one of the reasons I accepted my husband’s name so readily when I got married at twenty-two, my old name was uncomfortable, I was a new person I wanted to throw off the old and embrace the new so desperately that having to spell my last name twice on the phone with customer service was a small price to pay for a second chance at being a new person. I have to hold onto that and realize that even though I’m not yet who I want to be thank God I’m not who I used to be. (I think that’s from Joyce Meyer too. What can I say…)

My sin now has been anger I haven’t been able to let go of. It’s created a stronghold in my life, and it’s hard to break free from it’s constraints. The longer I hold on, the more unable I am to let go. It’s a terrible vice and a deep cycle. How badly, I long to go back to the beginning of the anger, when it took root and scoop out its fleshy rotten core. I didn’t know how to then, and I don’t know how to now. The more time passes, the more insurmountable it seems. The truth like a distant light in the fog, I remember what the truth is, but can’t quite seem to understand it. So far away is my God, because so blindingly wrong is my sin.

So, how can I write and not be a fool with this anger in my spirit? I have God in my heart, but a viper’s tongue. This is why I haven’t written in awhile. I didn’t want to force it. I didn’t want to take you, dear reader (the one who is left) on the twisted journey of self awareness. Whole foods, have taken the back burner in my mind, and pushing them to the front so I can meet a self-inflicted quota seemed unwise. Also, there were those three pizzas that weekend they were half price. That too. If this post seems unfinished, that’s because it is. Thank God!

Have you ever felt this way?

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6 Comments leave one →
  1. July 11, 2012 10:07 am

    Yeah! We punish ourselves by not plugging in. Plug in and receive the energy you need to do your job here on earth. Joyce gets deep. The Proverbs verse about being a fool, makes me think about the power of our tongues and how important it is to STFU.

  2. Mom permalink
    July 11, 2012 12:11 pm

    One of the first things I learned in college was to bracket my personal life from my responsibilities as a classroom teacher. It was one of the best lessons I ever learned. I could always do what I had to do in the midst of the most horrendous and oftentimes, horrorific of circumstances. Bracketing also offered a respite from whatever nightmare my family was suffering through, if only for a few working hours. My students had a worry box in the corner of my desk. Every morning, if a kid had a pressing issue, they would write it up on a slip of paper, put it in the box, then forget about it until after school, or at least until lunchtime, when they could talk to me or someone else about it. Since I accepted Christ in my life, I now have help with any and all issues. I just have to keep reminding myself that I am not alone, as my first instinct is to play God and find my own worldly solutions to problems that I may have no control over. P.S. I am definitely the biggest fool ever….thank goodness for God’s saving grace.

  3. July 11, 2012 7:20 pm

    I once taught sunday school completely hungover and I’m pretty sure I still smelled of nasty alcohol. (ssshhh! Don’t tell!) 🙂 I’m so completely embarrassed about it still and yet, I know I am forgiven. I love how you put all of this. God’s love and grace is amazing. I wish wish wish we as Christians focused more on how to love like God than focusing on how we should act.

  4. DeeAnna permalink
    July 13, 2012 4:05 pm

    Yep. Sometimes I wonder at how a heart that is so in awe of the awesome God (my heart) could still be so bitter and hard so much of the time. Praying for both of us. This was beautiful. I especially liked the bit about how if God had tried to change you all at once you probably wouldn’t have been able to be a believer. I think that’s really, really true. It’s something God revealed to me (I think) when I was trying to figure out why all Christians aren’t on the same page. We each have the Holy Spirit working on us, and in His own way, in His own timing, and it’s not up to us to judge how He should be doing it or what He’s doing in our own lives. Beautiful. And convicting. Thanks for sharing, my definitely not foolish friend.

  5. July 13, 2012 5:48 pm

    Thanks guys 🙂

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